goodnightmoon: Mulder 2 (cassie)
We had a very quiet Christmas. I spent the day cleaning the garage, and some friends came over for a while in the evening. The kid had already opened gifts already. We did go to the Christmas Eve service at church, and that's about it. I can't say I'm not glad Christmas is over. Maybe next year I will feel ready to celebrate, but this year, I wanted to hold onto last year.

I have recently discovered a new solace in reading that I had lost for a long time. Why? Because I have discovered that I just don't absorb the material in the same way when I read on my kindle. Paper books make me happier, make me feel more as I read them. I had been slogging through A Winter's Tale for months on the kindle, then I suddenly had an itch that I wanted the physical book. I went out and got it, and I've ready about 30% of the book in the last three days. I'm trying really hard to not be as materialistic, to use sustainable resources, to not clutter my house or my life, so I'm resolved to go back to using the public library and reading actualy books.

I don't have any goals for 2015. Find more pleasure in my existence, I guess. For now I still take everything one day at a time, and don't really look at the future. It's the best I can manage. 

Need Fic

Dec. 3rd, 2014 11:15 pm
goodnightmoon: Mulder 2 (cassie)
CW verse Barry/Ollie please. Please tell me someone knows of an awesome comm.
goodnightmoon: Mulder 2 (cassie)
It's been quite a while since I posted. I feel like I don't have the words for what I'm feeling most of them time, so I just don't. I have a job now, Walt has made the decision to transition genders and lives as Tyra now, and is back in public school. The job keeps me busy and keeps my mind occupied, but Cassie is there, every minute of every day. It's hard to believe it's been almost a year since I heard her voice or hugged her. I ache for her. The idea of facing Christmas looms larger every day, and I wonder if I can handle it, or if I'm just going to hide in bed that day.<br />
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&nbsp;We're trying hard to stay positive. We have a couple of events going on to honor Cassie's memory this holiday season, but neither is garnering much attention and I admit that's pretty discouraging. So I'm listing them all here in hopes people will see them and be interested in participating.
The first is or "All we want for Christmas is a Cure"  t-shirts that Cassie designed herself last year. We have to sell a minimum of 10 for them to print, and we've sold 8 so far. Here is the link if you would like to order one:&nbsp;<a href="https://represent.com/teamcassie" target="_blank">All we want for Christmas is a Cure</a><br />
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Our next project is collecting Monster High dolls to donate to the St. Jude Affiliate Clinic in Baton Rouge. The took such good care of Cassie, and always had a Monster High doll in their toy closet for her. In December they give christmas gifts to every child who visits the clinic, so we want to help make that possible. We have a wish list of dolls up on Amazon that you can purchase from:<a href="http://amzn.com/w/15BU5Q846BVBI" target="_blank">Christmas just got Creepy in honor of Cassie England</a><br />
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And last but definitely not least, we have started a Facebook page to try to get more attention for the Black Hat movie. Specifically, to get us on the Ellen Degeneres show to talk about Cassie, EB, and the movie. Please join the page, like, share, and leave lots of comments on the posts. The way facebook works now, "engagement" matters a lot, the more comments and interaction on a post, the more of your followers see the post.&nbsp;<a href="https://www.facebook.com/blackhatcassie" target="_blank">Cassie England and Black Hat Anime on the Ellen Show</a><br />
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Thank you all of your support and love. The love of our friends have definitely kept me and Tyra afloat this year as we try to create a new routine, a new life really. We're so grateful for everyone who has been there for us. I know I ask a lot. There are so many things I want to do to honor Cassie's memory. I love you all for standing at my side as I do this.
~Logan<br />
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goodnightmoon: Mulder 2 (cassie)
Super tired and slightly tipsy from one large St. Crispin's hard cider. It was an insane weekend at work, and I know as the holidays near it's only going to get worse. We are not doing Christmas. I can't bear it. I am contemplating hiding in a hotel room with a bottle of vodka. Thanksgiving is just a few friends with junk food and bad movies. I know I should try harder for my surviving child, but this year I just can't. Just this week another 17 year old girl died of EB.

The only holiday activity we are doing is gathering toys to donate to the St. Jude Clinic in Baton Rouge. We have an amazon wishlist if anyone would like to buy a toy to donate: http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/15BU5Q846BVBI/ref=cm_wl_rlist_go_o
goodnightmoon: Mulder 2 (cassie)
That was my favorite episode of Supernatural in the last two seasons. And Sons of Anarchy is going to kill me waiting for next week.

I've been so quiet because work is kicking my ass. Going from a very, very homebound, sedentary lifestyle to working on my feet 30 hours a week has been a huge change. Positive in many ways. My depression is about a 6 instead of a solid 10, and I've lost 40lbs, but I feel like I'm either working, recovering from work, or running all the errands I couldn't run because I was working.
goodnightmoon: Mulder 2 (cassie)
I spend most of my days still in a state of shocked disbelief that my life is real. This life where I'll never see, or touch, or listen to my daughter laugh again. It's so horrific that it simply can't be real. Some days I am nearly normal. I had a few good days this week; I found a job that I am happy to be starting, I did some spreadsheet work freelance to help get us out of the financial hole. And then today I took a nap and dreamed of her and woke up crying in my sleep, the pain unbearable, so deep that it feels like the only way I can survive it is to take a Xanax and go to sleep and hope I feel better when I wake up. Over and over since she died I have dreamed that both my mother and grandmother are alive again, but never Cassie. Cassie is always still gone in my dreams.

I started going back to church again, and I think that triggers some of it. She should be there, in the senior youth. I look at that group of children, and there's one missing. I go to parties and her friends are there, and there's always one little girl missing. A few weeks ago I was in the car with a friend, the mother of the sibling group that were some of Cassie's closest friends, and the girls were in the back of the car singing along with the radio, and the silence of her not there singing was a deafening roar until I wanted to get out of the car and walk home. It feels like nothing will ever be whole without her again. Her absence has reconfigured me so that I don't fit anywhere. I feel on the outside of everything, like there's a veil between me and the rest of the world. And I'm okay with that. I don't want to see it all clearly, don't want to touch it.

I don't really care much about this life I'm living now. I do it because I still have another child who needs me, and I lack the courage for suicide. So I live just hoping for the days to go by faster. But the moments where I feel I can't bear the idea of decades without my daughter slow to a crawl, surviving them one heartbeat at a time, stretching time out until it feels like I'll have to live through an infinity of this. 
goodnightmoon: Mulder 2 (cassie)
Now that Walt is back in public school, I am on the job hunt. I applied for about 15 jobs last week and landed one interview, but found out this morning that I didn't get the job. Next month I will have to consider letting the bank take my van back, as I just can't afford the payments. I am not quite to the point of applying for fast food jobs, but will have to suck it up and do that if nothing comes through soon. I know many intelligent, capable, educated people who have been under or unemployed for years, and that scares the shit out of me.

In completely unrelated and less depressing (or maybe not) news, The Leftovers is utterly brilliant and everyone should be watching it. Don't expect anything to make sense yet. Just let the tone, mood, and imagery wash over you. Sometimes things don't make sense. It's a story about events that still don't make sense to the people they happened to. Give it a chance.

Utopia continues to be gory and insane and quirky and I love it. I don't see people talking about this show very much, so I hope it survives for a third season. 
goodnightmoon: Mulder 2 (cassie)
if the Butterfy Fund (thebutterflyfund.org) gets 2k in donations over labor day weekend, I will perform this dance on the side of the road on labor day. In a tutu, with butterfly wings.
goodnightmoon: Mulder 2 (cassie)
Tonight I spent some time cleaning out my Amazon browsing history and recommendations. I did this because every time I logged on to Amazon to watch anything on Prime, it shows a list of "recommended for you" products, and mine is always full of Monster High dolls. I'd think about how happy they would have made Cassie and how dearly she loved her dolls, and my heart would break, and I'd want to go burn Mattel to the ground because there shouldn't be any more dolls if my baby girl isn't here to enjoy them. It felt like I was erasing her. It made me sick to my stomach, but so did looking at those pictures of those dolls that will never be on the shelves a bedroom that no long exists for a girl who is no longer here.

Same days I imagine I'll survive. This wasn't one of them. 
goodnightmoon: Mulder 2 (cassie)
Yesterday I took Walt to the pride festival and he decided that he wants to be a drag queen. He even went up to one of the performers and asked when they were performing again, and was disappointed that he can't get into the nightclub until he's 18. But the performer was really nice and told him to start out looking at makeup tutorials on youtube and practicing at home, so now he's already got a shopping list.

It was good to get out for a while yesterday, I have a habit of just hiding out here in the house, and then I'm vaguely surprised when going out makes me feel a little better. But today hasn't been so great. The ache in my chest and tightness in my throat won't go away, and my girlchild is the only thing I can think about. I never know what's going to trigger days like this. A song, a smell, a memory, someone mentioning a movie she loved, or one she would have loved and didn't get to see. That's what gets to me over and over again. We just didn't have enough time. And I wasted too much of what we did have. There were so many things I wanted her to see, to share with her, to ask her and tell her and I have to live with knowing that none of it will ever happen. I don't know what her favorite song was the day she died, and I never asked her if she had one memory that stood out as the best moment of her life. It all feels so horrendously unfinished. 
goodnightmoon: Mulder 2 (cassie)
Please share and help support a long time member of fandom who could really use some help  http://www.gofundme.com/alsx2w
goodnightmoon: Mulder 2 (cassie)
I am terrible at the whole blog concept because I feel like I have to say something entertaining, because the whole idea of a blog is to have an audience, no? Well, I've decided to scrap that idea and just write as if there was no audience. As if I were only to remind myself what happened. Maybe that will be easier.

I've been trying to force myself out of the house more, if only to run errands instead of letting them pile up until they're woefully behind. I took Walt to the thrift stores yesterday to look for some jeans because he has grown miles taller, but he only wanted to try on women's shoes and a couple of dresses. Yes, Walt aspired to be a drag queen. I couldn't care less, but he really did need jeans. So we left with only one pair, but I bought a hard cover copy of Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter just because it amused the hell out of me.

We are leaving in a little more than three weeks for two weeks of Harry Potter camp in Worcester, MA. My friend Jess, who runs the camp, called me this morning just as I was waking up to talk about camp things I had had a bit of a meltdown and confessed to her that I'm going to hate being there without Cassie so much that I'm not going to be able to function, that all the children will notice, and that I'll thrown a spanner in the whole works. She assured me she would have a backup teacher for my classes so that if I needed to tap out at any point, I could. I told her that I just don't know who I am anymore, if I can still be that person who loves being around children and is my best self while working with them. I'm afraid that I'll look around and won't see what's there, only who is missing. That happens a lot in my day to day life now. I don't see what's in front of me, only an absence bigger than all of creation. I still don't quite understand how the death of my child didn't open a black hole that swallowed all of creation. It only swallowed me. Scooped out my innards and left me a sack of bones with a heartbeat.

Yeah, depressing stuff. Enough of that.

I'd been taking solace and hiding in my safe little world of tv and movies, so I am badly missing Revolution, Supernatural, Arrow, Hannibal. Thank god Falling Skies starts back soon. Penny Dreadful is interesting but I'm not in love with it. I watched a few eps of Defiance and it's okay. I heard that Dominion was so bad I'm not even going to bother. I've been reading more, less fanfic and more books. I just finished Richard Chambers The King in Yellow and Richard Matheson's Hell House. Lots of Richards in my reading lately.
goodnightmoon: Mulder 2 (cassie)
I am trying to determine if anyone on Tumblr actually enjoyed Welcome to Nightvale or if they just like arguing about the race of the characters.

In other news, I am beyond disappointed that Revolution has been cancelled. I'm relieved that Hannibal wasn't, but those were the only two shows I was really pulling for. Even Supernatural I think it's time to put to bed. I watched the first episode of Penny Dreadful and I'm looking forward to that too. I think I'm too mad at NBC about Revolution to give Constantine a shot.

There's really not anything else to report in the state of me. I sleep a lot. A lot. It's the only way I stop the memories and pain from engulfing me completely. I feel like I should be doing more, I should be ready to rejoin the land of the living and get a job and start pulling my life together, but I honestly just don't care. I just want to sleep, and not think. I don't want to be. I'm not suicidal, I'd never do that, but I crave oblivion. A surcease of anxiety and the sucking, hollow ache that lives in my chest now. It's been four months since my daughter died in my arms. I'm not the first or last parent to lose a child. The world keeps turning around me. But I can't seem to find my place in it now.
goodnightmoon: Mulder 2 (cassie)
I am craving sweets so badly that I'm considering making a peach cobbler at midnight.
goodnightmoon: Mulder 2 (cassie)
Trying to sleep is outright torture. After only sleeping about 3 hours last night, I took a nap this afternoon and dreamed that Cassie was dead, and Marcia and I were supposed to be meeting somewhere to finally get married. I was unclogging a toilet that had overflowed and Cassie's iPad was on the floor getting wet, and as I was trying to save it, Marcia called and asked why I hadn't met her at the airport. She was in Brazil, and I was supposed to be there but hadn't bought a ticket or gotten my passport. I got off the phone and took off my shirt to mop up the mess on the floor and my chest and stomach were covered in huge blisters, so large they were hanging down over the waistband of my pants.

Then I wake up, and reality isn't any better.

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