(no subject)

[goodnightmoon]

I am terrible at the whole blog concept because I feel like I have to say something entertaining, because the whole idea of a blog is to have an audience, no? Well, I've decided to scrap that idea and just write as if there was no audience. As if I were only to remind myself what happened. Maybe that will be easier.

I've been trying to force myself out of the house more, if only to run errands instead of letting them pile up until they're woefully behind. I took Walt to the thrift stores yesterday to look for some jeans because he has grown miles taller, but he only wanted to try on women's shoes and a couple of dresses. Yes, Walt aspired to be a drag queen. I couldn't care less, but he really did need jeans. So we left with only one pair, but I bought a hard cover copy of Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter just because it amused the hell out of me.

We are leaving in a little more than three weeks for two weeks of Harry Potter camp in Worcester, MA. My friend Jess, who runs the camp, called me this morning just as I was waking up to talk about camp things I had had a bit of a meltdown and confessed to her that I'm going to hate being there without Cassie so much that I'm not going to be able to function, that all the children will notice, and that I'll thrown a spanner in the whole works. She assured me she would have a backup teacher for my classes so that if I needed to tap out at any point, I could. I told her that I just don't know who I am anymore, if I can still be that person who loves being around children and is my best self while working with them. I'm afraid that I'll look around and won't see what's there, only who is missing. That happens a lot in my day to day life now. I don't see what's in front of me, only an absence bigger than all of creation. I still don't quite understand how the death of my child didn't open a black hole that swallowed all of creation. It only swallowed me. Scooped out my innards and left me a sack of bones with a heartbeat.

Yeah, depressing stuff. Enough of that.

I'd been taking solace and hiding in my safe little world of tv and movies, so I am badly missing Revolution, Supernatural, Arrow, Hannibal. Thank god Falling Skies starts back soon. Penny Dreadful is interesting but I'm not in love with it. I watched a few eps of Defiance and it's okay. I heard that Dominion was so bad I'm not even going to bother. I've been reading more, less fanfic and more books. I just finished Richard Chambers The King in Yellow and Richard Matheson's Hell House. Lots of Richards in my reading lately.

Comments

[siberian-skys.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're getting away for a couple of weeks. It will be good for you. I'm holding out hope that you will get immersed and distracted in a good way.

I haven't tried Defiance, was never able to get into Falling Skies, but I'm in love with Penny Dreadful.

[snacky]

Harry Potter camp sounds very cool and right in my city too! I hope you can enjoy it in the best way you can.

[inlaterdays.livejournal.com]

I hope that camp turns out to be a welcome distraction. It sounds really interesting.

[xanthe.livejournal.com]

Harry Potter camp sounds really great. Of course everything is a struggle right now, but you might find you get more from it than you can imagine and hopefully it'll be a distraction if nothing else. {{{{Hugs}}}

[goatsoap.livejournal.com]

You are loved by so many. I hope you feel it. <3