Life as we know it

[goodnightmoon]

Life has been pretty weird lately. Weirder than usual. I've made some choices that caused pain to people that I love deeply, and I hate that. But I still think they were the choices I needed to make. I'm not sure what kind of person that makes me. Probably a selfish one. But I feel like I'm trying to fight my way to the surface for air, and the forgivness will have to come later.

I'm working full time now and swamped with that. My two volunteer activities, at Hogwarts camp and at the Contraflow Science Fiction convention are getting busier. I also went to see the Welcome to Nightvale show on Thursday, then saw Amanda Palmer on Saturday. Nightvale was fun, but there is a part where you are supposed to turn to another person and interact with them. I ended up with an empty seat beside me, and during that part, that empty seat wasn't just empty. It was Cassie's seat, and she wasn't there, and I felt like I would give up the rest of my life to have just spent that rest of that show with her in the seat beside me. I cried while Amanda Palmer sang Coin Operated Boy, because it was one of Cassie's favorite songs ever. She loved the Dresden Dolls. I got Amanda to autograph the team Cassie sign, and I thanked her for the moments of happiness she gave my baby girl. Sometimes I feel like I do these things because I have to live for both of us now. I wonder sometimes if I will ever again have a moment of happiness where the happy doesn't just fill in around the girl shaped hole in my heart. And I know I likely won't. But I'm learning to live with that. Very, very slowly. 

Comments

[sopdetly.livejournal.com]

I just want to say, and it took me a long time to learn and accept it, but doing things you need to do to make yourself healthier and happier, that is not selfish. That is survival. Taking care of yourself is a selfless thing, because it makes you more able to help out other people in the future, and to do that well.

*hugs* I'm glad you're hanging in there.