(no subject)

[goodnightmoon]

Right now I struggle daily with the constant push and pull between what constitutes aggressive care and what one calls a "natural death". I don't want to lose my little girl. I want to fight, and keep her with me, but I have to be honest and ask myself what I think she has ahead of her to keep fighting for. More blisters, more pain, more chronic, non-healing wounds, more disfigurement, more exhaustion. Then cancer, amputations, and death. I don't have a crystal ball. I have no idea how long she might have before her quality of life leaves no question as to which direction we should take. She says that she still wants to fight, that she wants to live, at the same time that she refuses all the interventions that give her the best chance of that happening. But what do I expect? She's fifteen years old. What fifteen year old girl is going to say "I give up"? So how do I know? Which thing does she really mean? Do I try every possible intervention within her very clearly defined parameters of no needles, not prodding, and no hospitals? Do I stop mixing new ointments, giving supplements, pumping her full of vitamins, stop everything but enough food to keep her from feeling hungry and her pain medication? I don't know. I DON'T KNOW. And that's what keeps me awake every night.

Comments

[siberian-skys.livejournal.com]

I don't even know how you begin to make those kind of decisions for a 15-year-old. She's still a child, but yet not. I can't even imagine what you're going throiugh. I had to help make these kind of decisions for my dad, but he was 79 and had a living will, so we had something concrete to go with. *hugs*

[bardsmaid.livejournal.com]

This is obviously a momentous, tough thing to have to make a decision on, but I'm glad to see you're framing it in terms of listening to what Cassie wants and needs. She may not have the experience or maturity of someone much older, but on the other hand, she's had fifteen years of living inside the body she's got, and nobody else is in a position to know exactly what that means--or what it requires--as well as she does. {{{hugs}}}

[foxsong.livejournal.com]

I think the biggest gift she's been given is someone who loves her enough to strive to do his best by her, even when it's not clear what that 'best' is going to be. {{{hugs}}}