(no subject)
Jul. 18th, 2013 12:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
goodnightmoonI have yet to manage overcoming the self consciousness that make it impossible for me to blog on a regular basis. I don't know why I am so bothered by talking about myself. I'm constantly trying, and failing, to get past that.
I'm screwing up my nerve and admitting that things have been rough here for a couple of months. I have been going through a pretty severe bout of depression. Some would say I have a lot to be depressed about; the brink of financial disaster, illness, recent transitions resulting in a member of our household moving away, single parenthood, etc, etc. But over the years, most of these things have caused me anxiety but not depression. Not the kind of depression where I can barely scrape myself out of bed every day to slog through the motions of existing because it all suddenly feels meaningless, purposeless, soul-killing. But that's how it's been for a couple of months. I'm trying to fight my way through it, but I still don't feel like I'm winning yet.
Things are so bad financially. Two months of having to buy a lot more bandages than normal while we waited for medicaid to start paying for Cassie's medical supplies has crushed us. My rent has been late every month for the last three months, my van is not going to pass inspection next month without repairs, and we're starting to have a flea issue because I can't afford the monthly treatment for the cats. I'm considering rehoming some of them. The only other thing I can do is consider moving us again to a cheaper place, which is a really horrifying prospect, since we've only been here 15 months after two years living in a very low rent, high crime area because the rent was cheap. It makes me terribly sad that I've never been able to provide my children with a home base that was that one place they could always call home. We have moved so often that I feel like they've never really gotten to put down roots and feel that any dwelling is really home.
I'm screwing up my nerve and admitting that things have been rough here for a couple of months. I have been going through a pretty severe bout of depression. Some would say I have a lot to be depressed about; the brink of financial disaster, illness, recent transitions resulting in a member of our household moving away, single parenthood, etc, etc. But over the years, most of these things have caused me anxiety but not depression. Not the kind of depression where I can barely scrape myself out of bed every day to slog through the motions of existing because it all suddenly feels meaningless, purposeless, soul-killing. But that's how it's been for a couple of months. I'm trying to fight my way through it, but I still don't feel like I'm winning yet.
Things are so bad financially. Two months of having to buy a lot more bandages than normal while we waited for medicaid to start paying for Cassie's medical supplies has crushed us. My rent has been late every month for the last three months, my van is not going to pass inspection next month without repairs, and we're starting to have a flea issue because I can't afford the monthly treatment for the cats. I'm considering rehoming some of them. The only other thing I can do is consider moving us again to a cheaper place, which is a really horrifying prospect, since we've only been here 15 months after two years living in a very low rent, high crime area because the rent was cheap. It makes me terribly sad that I've never been able to provide my children with a home base that was that one place they could always call home. We have moved so often that I feel like they've never really gotten to put down roots and feel that any dwelling is really home.
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(no subject)
Date: 2013-07-18 10:15 am (UTC)I've had the type of crippling depression where you can't even be bothered to drag yourself out of bed. Please seek help before you get to that point. I waited too long and ended up in bed for three months. I nearly flunked out of school at the time. Antidepressants were a godsend.
I wish I had some rent suggestions. My lot rental goes up every year, but it's still cheaper than renting an apartment. Fortunately the manufactured house is paid for. I don't understand this whole concept of owning your house, but not owning the land under it. I wish I'd stuck to an apartment, but rent is so high here according to everyone I talk to. This culture needs a serious change. Until we all stop accepting that it's perfectly okay for business owners to get rich on the back of their workers and landlords getting rich on the back of their tenants nothing is going to change in this country. Maybe my dad was right and I really am a socialist. No one should have to jump through hoops to provide for their family. It's not right. I'm, sorry, I need to stop philosophizing. That does no good. Would you be better off out of Baton Rouge? I guess what I'm asking is would you get more for your rental dollar elsewhere? I know you don't want to move again. I don't blame you. The only other thought I have is have you tried applying for a Habitat house? I can't imagine in your situation that they wouldn't look at you seriously.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-07-19 03:09 pm (UTC)I hate being poor so much. I often wish I was rich and unhappy, rather than poor and miserable. But I'm lucky that we have military benefits, and if it wasn't for my in-laws, we'd be struggling way more.
Big hugs.